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I'm sitting here at the computer "reflecting"" with Tracy Chapman playing on iTunes, a hot cup of gensing tea to my right and to be honest a little apprehensive as to where to begin. I was inspired by a fellow mom who did a blog each day for this past year, her pictures and words were an inspiration so much so that now I am "giving it a go".

Where to start? What to say? How to say it?

I guess I should start with why I would like to do this. There are SO many reasons some of them are that I miss my Papa who was the true literary of the family, wordsmith to the nth degree. One of my fondest childhood memories is when we used to play word games. As I grew older I wanted to become a writer but in college got sidetracked for whatever reason.

Starting this project is my way back, to put a crack in the "I can't" mentality and fear that keeps me from consistently writing. I have written a book called "Screened In Porches" that only my husband and a few close friends have seen, maybe one day I will get the nerve to see if it's worth publishing; though I have to admit I would have to list it as "fiction" as I don't believe that anyone would actually believe any of it!

In a nutshell the why of this project is as follows; I want to track this year both the ups and downs, I want to write again if only for myself, I want to do something that I believe will make my Papa smile up in heaven and lastly but most importantly I want to give my daughter written words from me by me. My biggest fear is that my time will end before I'm ready and that my daughter won't "know me" so... this, the scrapbooking, the storytelling and songs etc. that I do it's all in a small way for Allie Beth so that she one day has a legacy to hold onto even if I'm not there. BUT enough "morbid", now it's time to begin. Here goes...

Today the first day of the year I watched a movie called "The Cinderella Pact" about a group of women who chose to change. It inspired me as well as made me realize a truth I hadn't considered before. This past year was my year to be "pleasing" to try to please everyone, to make them see who I am the better part of me, the changes and strides I have made in my life. I don't necessarily regret this year as it was a year of definite measurable change but I do wish I hadn't tried so "dablamed hard". I exhausted my self, gave of myself to the detrimate of myself to please others. All in the hopes that "others" would SEE me. See the person I desired them to see; the absolute mother, the loving wife, the good daughter, the worthy sister, the deserving friend but I made an error this year. In my mind there is this mantra if I wish I could be, I want to be, if only I could be, when in truth "I AM". I am absolutely the best mother I know to be and strive daily to be better, I am a loving wife who goes that extra mile, I am a good, loving , well intending daughter who adored my papa and miss him dearly oh so so very much and do all that I can to make sure my Mama DOES know I love her because if I have learned anything in these past two years is that "life is too short to not". I am a sister who is waiting; enough said on that one.... and I am a deserving friend who gives with no expectation of reciprocation, who puts my friends first and loves without judgment I rejoice when my friends rejoice, I cry when my friends do and I hurt when they hurt. I AM.

On K-love radio this week they suggested that instead of defining your New Years Resolution in a sentence you should rather find a word to personify. This year starting now on day one my word is "balance". I will find time for myself, I will fill my spiritual/emotional gas tank with worthy things, I will give when I can, I will love with the open heart I always have, I will be there for those when I can because I AM.