18/365

I sit here quietly typing as the girls are taking their nap.  I'm very much ready for the rain to stop, the sun to come out and us to be able to spend some time outside at the park or even in the yard playing. 

I don't know what I would do without my Tuesdays at Kid City where all of us moms gather religiously to talk, share, and just "be".  I look forward to Kids City like I look forward to a good piece of chocolate, a cold diet coke on a hot day or a phone call from Mama after a few days of silence and us not having an opportunity to speak. 

The thought that is sticking with me today is, "where is the sunshine?".  I mean this literally but also I am asking where is the joy going.  Lately I have been letting the little things get to me, things that I have absolutely no control over.  An example would be disappointing a friend by admitting I have taken on more than I can handle, or David's estranged grandfather passing away, or Allie Beth whining about every little thing from how her bow is fitting in her hair to the fact that she has a wrinkle in her sock.  I take a big sigh and go, God where is the sunshine. 

I have to admit that some of this is me wanting to YES please everyone, to take away their hurts, and give them joy but friends I need the sunlight.  I need to stand in it's warmth, let it hit my face and feel that caress that only light can give. 

They say to cast your cares/worries on God - well I gotta tell you I have got SO many worries that I'm fed up my cup runneth over.  I am so extremely tired of it all that lately when seven p.m. hits and my head starts seeking a pillow not because I'm tired so much as I just don't want to deal with "it".  

I know that other people feel this way.  I know that I'm not in this alone.  I have the loving support of my family, my friends, my God.  I know that this grey won't always be there that in fact the rain WILL stop and the sun will shine.  Until then I will continue to write it out, talk it out, and bear "it". 

A dear friend of mine told today, "Aimee, you can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders." and I know that this is true.  I can't heal David's family or take away their hurt.  I can't do anything but ask my dear friend to forgive me for disappointing her and letting her down.  I can't do anything but listen to Allie Beth, encourage her to use her words in a moderate tone and support her as she struggles.  All I can do is take it one day at a time and remind myself that the sun will shine maybe not today but there is always tomorrow.