Monday, August 23, 2010

What I know for sure:

This past July I turned 30 years old. Upon turning thirty I came to the simple realization that ... "life is too short". I can't say that there is an exact moment, occurrence, or grand event that led me to this realization. I believe that it was a culmination of things. You see,I began college at Louisiana Tech University in Ruston, Louisiana when I was fifteen years old. Since that time that I attended college and afterward I have been and done many things. I have been a city activity coordinator, QMRP - qualified mental retardation professional-- not a title I came up with to be sure, a day rehabilitate director,a youth minister, an international sales rep, a teacher, as well as a wife and mother. Of the many titles I have had and still have there have been only two that have brought me true joy; that of being a mother and wife. Last September my adoptive father past away of a stoke. I had the honor and privileged to be holding his had as he took his last breath. I have to admit that this last year since his death has been an emotional roller coaster, a ride that I sometimes wanted to "just jump off". The ONLY thing that kept me going was my family. For some months after his death I completely shut down - case and point - the bag I came home with after the funeral wasn't "unpacked" for several months -- the spare bedroom became a toss all, I didn't do my usual things such as cooking, cleaning, doing laundry -- I was there but not really. I had become a ghost, a shell of the person I had been.

You see, growing up I didn't have "it" easy. You hear or read of the stories of the children who survive but have scars and a story to tell. Well I guess you could say "I'm one of them". I was born to a mother and father who did not want me but were too selfish to give me to someone who did. I was abused both verbally, emotionally and even physically. I know now that that isn't my fault. I know now that"they" are the ones who carry that guilt and shame, not myself. I know now that I am who God created me to be, I am still on a journey, I am still growing and I am still "becoming". This past July I turned 30and I realized that "life is too short". I can't get my "Papa Ben"back, I can't change my mistakes, I can't get back the time I spent exploring the working world, I can't get back the minutes, hours, days,months that I spent in a darkness called depression. All I can do is move forward, all I can do is be who God has created me to be. I am a wife and mother. This is what I know for sure... A.E.N.