59/365

I just love my daughter, Allie Beth is such a treasure.  I love how she says I love you three thousand times a day and gives me kisses and hugs every time I turn around.  Today was a good day for trying new things.  We finally got Allie Beth out of her "food rut" and got her to eat pineapple AND grilled chicken tonight a huge triumph in the Neu household. 

We also have finally found a contractor to come fix the "kink and dinks" in the house everything from a broken water valve to termite damage and rot due to water damage.  In one single day he accomplished more than any other person has done in the entire time we have lived in this house.  The entire back porch has been dismantled AND taken away we now have a beautiful open patio that I can't wait to start planting around and decorating.  There is still some work to do on the awning and roof but it's already a huge improvement. 

I know that I have said it before but it really is the small successes in life that makes me happy.  I love that my husband called the dinner I cooked (grilled chicken, pasta salad and baked apples) Earthy,  I love that our home improvement project is improving daily,  I love that I made a new friend today and will start working for her on Saturdays soon (I am excited about being out in the public doing something social for a change, even if it is only one day a week),  I am loving life and loving living it.

Tomorrow is another adventure... Zumba; we shall see, we shall see :)

58/365

Have you said there is all to say to a loved one?  If their or your time on Earth was at an end would there be any regrets? 

I can honestly say that if I were to leave this Earth tomorrow that I have said all I needed to say to my husband and loved my daughter with all of my heart for all of the time given me.  I would only regret not being there for her most important days in life; I would miss her graduating, her going to college, her first love, her marriage, her having children, I would miss holding her though her first heart break, I would miss rejoicing with her over her first and greatest successes in life... I would MISS her and my husband but I would also know that they would know that my love transended time and that I loved them with all of my heart.

I know that this sounds morbid but I was thinking about regrets tonight.  I know that we all have regrets but in the culmination of things my greatest regrets would be not having the time needed to reconcile with my sister - there are so many things I would love to say to her if the time ever came the greatest of these is "to please if not forgive me then to at least pardon me for any real or perceived wrongs" - to tell her that I DO love her and I miss her dearly in my life... some roads once veered off of are so hard to ever walk down again...

I genuinely miss my sister and I wonder if we will ever get to a point of forgiveness on both parts but if we ever do I pray that I have the grace to accept the things I can not change and to change the things that I can - Serenity is such a small word but has such large implications don't you think?

55-57/365

So.... I'm not really sure what day I'm supposed to be on but since my friends is 57 I'm going w/ that number too! 

Today I learned a few life lessons.  I have to admit that yes I've learned them the hard way and ouch did it hurt.  If I could advise my daughter on some things it would be; never buy a house you can't keep well maintained because sometimes renting really is the better option, never depend solely on your college education because an ounce of common sense will get you far in life, and never say never.   Today David and I embarked on the journey of revival we are in the process of reviving this little cracker box house we call home and I have got to tell you we have a LONG way and painful road in front of us.  From the termite damage, water rot, broken water valve, black mold, and Lord knows what else we are taking it one bill and one step at a time.  Right now there is no light in sight but I will say that with each project that we accomplish with the help of our friendly neighborhood contractor we are learning more and more not only about home improvement but about ourselves.  We don't KNOW how to screw in a light bulb at this point but we are looking at each other hard in the mirror and realizing our shortcomings for what they are and moving forward.  It is past the point to blame each other, we have lived in this house for five years and only God knows how many more we will but if we want this place to stay our home we have to address the issues before they become any worse.  So tonight we bought a 200.00 dehumidifier to help pull water out of sheet rock and we now have a wording definition for black mold tomorrow we spray the walls w/ chemicals to kill the stuff and we more forward - at least we CAN move forward and as we got to bed tonight we STILL have a home.  Right?

54/365

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  Aren't we all insane to some extent?  I say yes, we are insane, in our own idiosyncrasy's of life.  Take my own actions for example; I go to bed on the same bed each night, waking in the same room each morning expecting life to be better more fulfilling than the day before.  Maybe expecting is the wrong word to use because I'm rather hoping more than anything.  What have I done to hope for a difference, hoping that when I turn on the news today I won't see or hear the same horrors and losses that are going in the world today as were yesterday?  I haven't done anything other than the simple act of prayer and eternal optimism.  Is that enough?  No, I guess not because when I turned on the television tonight I still heard the same horrible news that I always have, of a double homicide etc... why don't we rejoice and report more in the things that need to be rejoiced in more often - the birth of a child, the success of our neighbors, I know it sounds comical but I would love to hear on the news and tonight there was no murder, no home foreclosures, employment is up, national debt is lowered.  Call me the eternal optimist but tonight I will go to bed with the same prayers on my lips as the night before and tomorrow I will wake with the same insane hope that the world will be a better place.... I am certifiably insane and proud of it!

47-53/365

Wow!  It has been days since I have last posted a blog. Last week  I got sick with the flu and everything went to the way-side while I was down/out.  I'm back to my blogging and glad to report feeling much better.  What to say, what to write about, so many things to ponder.  Tonight I will just say... I'm glad to be back and looking forward to getting started again soon.  I have missed my meanderings if that is possible. 

46/365

I think these lyrics from "For A Dancer" says it all.

Keep a fire burning in your eye
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down
I don't remember losing track of you
You were always dancing in and out of view
I must have thought you'd always be around
Always keeping things real by playing the clown
Now you're nowhere to be found

I don't know what happens when people die
Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try
It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear
That I can't sing
I can't help listening
And I can't help feeling stupid standing 'round
Crying as they ease you down
'Cause I know that you'd rather we were dancing
Dancing our sorrow away
(Right on dancing)
No matter what fate chooses to play
(There's nothing you can do about it anyway)

Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone

Keep a fire for the human race
Let your prayers go drifting into space
You never know what will be coming down
Perhaps a better world is drawing near
And just as easily it could all disappear
Along with whatever meaning you might have found
Don't let the uncertainty turn you around
(The world keeps turning around and around)
Go on and make a joyful sound

Into a dancer you have grown
From a seed somebody else has thrown
Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own
And somewhere between the time you arrive
And the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive
But you'll never know

45/365

"You've never had it so good."  Have you ever been told this?  I think that this saying is relative to where we are in life today.  Relative, meaning that we really haven't had it so good as we have it today.  We spend so much time regretting the past or looking forward to tomorrow.  Looking forward to that next pay check, next vacation, next day off, next Friday of the week - sometimes I feel like we are rushing through life seldom enjoying the moment we are in. 

Don't get me wrong I live for Fridays and can't wait for vacations either but there is something to be said about mundane Mondays.  If every day was a party would that party be special?  I don't think that it would be.  I think back to my college years and remember the gauntlet of "events" that I participated in that at the time were not special or "no big thing".  Today going on a mission trip, having coffee with a friend, sitting for more than fifteen minutes uninterrupted watching my favorite Survivor episode, sitting outside for hours on end on a blanket reading, going to the gym to work out whenever the mood struck me; all of these things were day to day norms in my life at one time.  But today to do even one of those things would be a treat because I'm not just me anymore I am in essence plus one or even two!

I LOVE my life and wouldn't trade it for a day of that carefree life that I had back when but I do wish I hadn't rushed through it.  I wish I had reveled in that era and known then what I do now.  Sometimes I wish I could write my past self a letter saying don't worry you will make it through,  don't date so and so because he's not good for you,  get up and go to class more often because you will miss it one day,  don't shed tears over how you look because you are beautiful just as you are, don't doubt yourself because you are going to make it and be just fine.  In my head I know that that letter I would write in some ways is still relevant today. 

It's Tuesday and I'm looking forward to Friday when we leave for Mississippi for a long weekend. I'm not saying that looking forward is a bad thing but I think there is something to be said about today.  Today I was a better version of me; I like who I am today and that is a good thing.  Tomorrow will come fast enough so I'm going to sit here with the radio playing, making a list of the things I need to accomplish this week and while the girls are sleeping I smile wildely because time, it's passing way too quickly.  Before I know it, in the blink of an eye it will be gone and this will be my past self.... 

44/365

Tonight I'm going to vent.  I'm going to say exactly what has been on my mind since the 28th of January and if it offends your sensibilities I apologize but I just need to "say it". 

I am dang tired of people who are fair weather friends who are there when it benefits them but when the going gets tough they get goin'.  You know what I'm talking about, you know someone like that, or have in the past.  Well I'm here to tell you I quit!  I am quiting the pleasing act, I'm quiting the what can I do for you mentality. 

I know who I am and I know what I want out of life and who I want in my life.  I want a friend who can be there, be supportive and sometimes just listen.  I need a friend who isn't going to judge and who is going to meet me where I am not try to pull me to where they need me to be.  I can't take another friend who needs MY support, who confides in me and doesn't recipricate.  Friends, I'm tired of it.  The IT described as me always organizing things for others, the it being me always picking up the phone to see how you/they are. The it being me doing my best and receiving less in return.

There is a saying that people or either in your life for a minute, season, or life-time.  I think that this is true and yeah I know I'm butchuring the saying but here's what I'm thinking tonight.  Those minute friendships that I have need to go because life is too short and I don't have the time or energy to waste any more.  Those season friendships are fine and I'll cherish the time I have while I have it but I'm not going to put my heart and soul and time into them as I would my family anymore.  There comes a time in life when enough is enough and I have had enough. 

Please don't read this thinking I'm mad because I'm not but I am fed up with the act of friendship. Frienships that I have right now are more like aquaintances who call me friend, I know tons of people but they don't know me. Some might assume they do but as I once told a co-worker who was trying to give me well meant advice "you know even know if I like Cherrios"!

My Papa once gave me a good definition of "quid pro quo" and to honest I think that friendships should be give and take.  I think friendships should be investments of both time and effort on both parts.  Enough said and tomorrow I'm cleaning out my mental closet of those I call on and let call on me so if you find me all of a sudden less accessible, less open, less giving please don't judge me because I really do think I am doing too much for others and not enough for myself.  I need REAL friendships....

43/365

Ever since I could remember I have been enamored with the poem, "Warning", by Jenny Joseph.  The words of this poem speak to me. 

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.


You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.


But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.


But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple

I want desperately to grow older, to become that woman with the wrinkles on her face, a mischievous gleam in her eye, an old wrinkled blouse on, sandles on her feet, old overalls that are a size too big, growing tomatoes in her garden and an old worn rocker on her front porch.  I want to be that "unique" in the community that others love and yet think is just a bit humorously off.   I am working towards that even now at age thirty as each day we do grow a day older.  I don't look at the passage of time as a destination toward the end but rather a journey in motion.

I pray that as the years pass I learn more, grow more, become more.  But just so I don't miss the chance, tomorrow I will wear purple. 

42/365

Tonight I find my heart singing.  Singing for the beautiful day that I enjoyed, for the kind friendship I find in others, for the unwavering love I share with my husband and for the simple kind of enjoyment in the little things that life has to offer. 

If we can not find joy then I ask "what is the point?".  I know of people in this world that are unswervingly unhappy, who find fault in all and joy in nothing.  For these people I feel such pity.  This morning when I woke, I looked out the window to see a the sun shining back at me, my heart swelled with the sight.  I just love beautiful almost spring days where there is a bite to the air but a brush of warmth from the sun to counter it.  Oh but the day I had today going about shopping with two dear friends (one this morning to my favorite boutique "Gaudy Girl" and one this afternoon to Target Valentine shopping and a manicure/pedicure).  I find myself so very blessed to have people that I can call friends and who in kind return the affection.  So I ask what is life worth without the gentle affection that friendship has to offer and what a pity to those who do not or can not enjoy it.  I chose to revel in this life I lead even in my constant doubt.  Life really is too short to spend in constant fear and doubt so I chose to enjoy even the smallest things life has to offer and to file them away for those dreary days that lie ahead. 

41/365

Tonight I watched the movie "Up In The Air" with David.  It was our time to sit, hold hands, eat pizza and pop-corn and just enjoy being in each others company. I cherish this time more and more these days because I know that there are others whose loved ones are far away (My friend Lisa's husband gone for a year; deployed - My friend Pam whose husband passed away too early in life - My friend Mary whose husband walked away).

Spending time with him after this past week is a joy, pleasure, and something I definitely needed.  Lately I have felt so alone even in the company of others, almost to the point of feeling isolated.  It's funny that David picked out this movie for us to watch as it is about just that thing.  The movie points out that we all have or need to have a purpose in this life and makes you think about what your purpose truly is.  I am probably a bit of an anomaly because I have almost always known what my purpose is or what I wanted it to be; I have always wanted to be a wife and mother.  It is my greatest aspiration in life and I am so lucky at the age I am to have those two precious things both an accepting husband and kind hearted loving daughter.  Having the things that my heart most desires in this world brings me such joy but there are times late at night when everyone is sleeping that I find myself doubting who and what I am.

Lately at night I have woken drenched in sweat with my heart pounding and full of fear.  I am so very fearful of losing these precious gifts that I have or not being deserving of them or just plain not being enough.  I have to stop during these times and remind myself that I am a creation of God, that I am doing and being all that I can be and being who I am called by Christ to be.  My faith and my loved ones are what are helping me through this time.  I don't know what I would do if one day I woke in the night and couldn't reach over to touch my husband or walk into my daughters room to see her sleeping and watch the rise and fall of her small chest.  These are the things that keep me grounded that keep the fear at bay.

40/365

Gone are the eyes that watched me grow
The eyes that were able to see into my soul
Together we climbed mountains and made it through the pain
Only to find out that someday it would be forever changed

39/365

Have you ever noticed that when you make a decision and the butterflies settle a quiet sense of accomplishment comes? 

I have decided to enjoy these last few months of being a stay at home mommy to the max, to not let the "small stuff" get in the way, to do as much as I can and go back to that place I was at in the beginning of this venture in August.  Somewhere along the way it became about keeping the girls and less about Allie Beth.  I can assure you that I haven't "ignored" her and that she has had a lot of fun experiences these past few months.  It's just that I haven't allowed myself to enjoy some of those moments... 

Why is it that the future can become so scary?  It really can become something dark and ominous if you let it.

I'm choosing to let this decision to go back to work be a positive thing.  Allie Beth will be in school somewhere next year, I will be working in a school myself so that we will have the same time off.  I know that I am SO lucky to be able to have those holidays, weekends and summers off with her. 

David and I have decided that next summer we are going to travel, go, do and be as much as possible.  How cool is it that we will ALL be off together as a family for those months of summer! 

This life can be an adventure if you let it and personally I chose to enjoy the ride.

38/365

Well I made a life altering decision tonight, with my husbands help.  I am in fact going back to work in the schools "somewhere/ doing something" next fall...   I have gone back and forth on this for the past year but the decision had to be made.  Allie Beth will be in either PreK or Kindergarten, keeping children just isn't reliable and there are few/far between sick days w/ no benefits.  I know that David and I made the right decision but now I have an elephant sitting on my chest.  I have so many things to do before I turn in my paperwork and so little time.  Say a prayer for me please.

37/365

Right now I'm "pushing through".  I am tired, I am still sick to my stomach taking antibiotics, Allie Beth is having tummy trouble and David is teaching night school making me a partial single mother.  Ugh... Sometimes pushing through is all you can do taking a second, minute, hour, day, month, year at a time.

So today, I'm tired, I stressed, I'm lonely and I'm IT in this life most of the days of the week for my precious child.  I don't have time or energy for the stuff life throws at us but it keeps on coming and sometimes I rise above and sometimes I don't.  I am the best I can be today, maybe tomorrow I will be better. 

36/365

Each day we start anew the mistakes of yesterday past.  I heard this watching the LPB special of "Anne of Green Gables" today.  What a beautiful expression of what we all need to know within our hearts that each day is in fact new.  I know that in my own life I have a tendency to forget that more than I should.  I think one of the reasons is that so many times we get caught up in what others think or do that we forget that it is our own thoughts and actions that define us.

35/365

There are days like today that I'm not an adult, days when I truly just want to curl up in someones lap and be "loved on".  Today was one of those days.  The funny thing is that I am NOT a good sick person but if you ask my family and friends they will confirm I am habitually sick.  I get anything and everything that goes around and heaven forbid I catch a stomach bug or get dehydrated because that is an instant ticket to the hospital for me.  What most people who know me don't know is that I HATE being sick.  I severely dislike the weak feeling I get that makes me off kilter and my days seem longer and more drawn out.  I know you are reading thinking, "no one likes to be sick" but I have to tell you that when I say I hate it I do emphatically. 

So as I sit here writing this with the antibiotics soaring through my system making me feel queasy and weak I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better.  Tomorrow the sun is going to be shining, my stomach is going to be at peace, and the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl. 

35/365

Today was a snow day.  It only snowed about two inches but in Louisiana that is enough to pretty much shut down everything around here, including the schools and local businesses.  It was a blessing to us because David was able to stay home again today.  I am on the mend so to speak but still under the weather.  Who knew that the medicine that they gave me to get well would make me sick ha?!  I spent most of the day in the bed either reading our napping and feeling very "lazy" while David and Allie Beth sledded and played in the snow.  Allie Beth had a blast riding on the sled while David pulled her yelling "faster, faster".  I watched much of their play from the bay-window in our bedroom where I kept wishing I was out there with them playing but we all agreed that I didn't need to be out in the wet and cold just yet.  I am feeling a lot better than I was the day before, my throat barely hurts and my ears aren't bothering me at all.  The doctor has prescribed two antibiotics that are not making my stomach very happy so instead of going to eat at David's parents house with the family I stayed home.  David was so sweet to bring me chicken noodle soup from Lins Kitchen that is oh so yummy.  Now as I write this a wave of "tired" washes over me and I know that it won't be long until I'm once again under my electric blanket in bed cuddled up with my book until my eyes lower and I yet again fall back to sleep.  Goodnight my loved ones, I pray that you are safe and warm with your families tonight..  Blessings and Care,  Aimee

34/365

I'm sick today.  I went to the doctor and left being told I had a upper respiratory infection (tonsillitis and ear infection).  What a day!  I'm blessed that David took the day off from teaching to stay home and help with the girls.  He was such a BIG help - playing - keeping the girls quiet and serving lunch.  The girls all in all were pretty good today too.

Tomorrow it is supposed to be cold - sleet with a chance of snow.  I'm ALL for the snow - in my head I hear the song "Let It Snow".

33/365

Nothing to say yesterday I was too sick to blog. 

32/365

My new favorite saying:  Keep your cool - Do your best - Give God all the rest!