12/365

I sit here feeling drained. I am tired both physically and emotionally. Tonight I went back to the bible study group that I left last week. I went back praying the entire way that I would have both strength and grace, I believe that I had both. Going back was proof to myself that I HAD grown and you know what... I was both apologized to by the man who last week insinuated non-Catholics were going to hell, reinforced by our priest that I was right **he made a guest appearance to address last weeks episode** and told by fellow church member that I was valid.


Guys/Gals... I NEEDED that. I needed to be told I was not wrong, that what I did wasn't considered taboo or unforgivable. Heaven forbid I let my emotions rule and ever walk out of a class again but at that moment it is what I felt I had to do - the scared portion of me had to walk out, walk away and in essence escape. Tonight I was told that, that was OK.

Taking those steps down that hallway back to bible study class tonight was HARD. It reminded me that things aren't always black and white, that things aren't always right or wrong, that people are going to have opinions I disagree with. Tonight I took a step closer to being a full fledged "adult". Yeah I'm thirty, yeah I'm a mother and yeah I'm married but there is still an unsure, meek, scared little child in me that gets embarrassed and scared.

Last week I was SO unsure of what to do I just knew that what I was hearing felt wrong on such a basic level and now I know why.... because I was being convicted to speak out.

Tonight in class I said some hard truths that I hadn't even admitted to myself. I admitted that being a Catholic was hard for me, that it wasn't where my heart was and that it felt like wearing an itchy sweater that was a size too small. Am I leaving the Catholic church? No. I'm not leaving I'm acknowledging that this is where I am in this journey because believe it or not I have a VERY valid reason for being where I am. I have a daughter who NEEDS to know her heritage "where her roots lie, her father is a cradle Catholic". David was born, raised and is secure in being a Catholic - his entire family is Catholic. It IS him and in marrying him I had to accept that, I DID accept that. Or rather I thought I had... Would I rather be somewhere warmer, more "welcoming", more spiritual, more more? Maybe but I did a lot of prayer about where I am and know where I am right now is where I belong SO... next Wednesday I will find myself dropping Allie Beth off at her bible class and taking that long walk down the hall towards mine. There will be a difference though, now those I study with KNOW where I am and hopefully as brothers and sisters in Christ even though I am an unsure Catholic will accept me because I am a SURE Christian.

I LOVE my God and my God loves me.