I know some people who are reading this are going to go "Aimee, Don't go there....", well I'm going "there" tonight so brace yourself. Forgiveness is not something I am that familiar with but on the other hand forgotten is something I do a lot. I have a knack for forgetting things I don't want to remember, to let it go, move forward and not look back. Some of you might say, "well that is what forgiveness is", but I can assure you that in my case it isn't the same.
As I look back into my past I think about my biological father, please make note he is NOT my "father" in the endearing term that one thinks of. My father passed away a little over a year ago, Papa was a loving, patient, kind, giving man. My biological father, Larry, was none of these things as far as I know or can remember. He was harsh and sometimes cruel taking more out of life than he ever gave **my view point**
When I close my eyes and think of my childhood I can not remember many happy times and I don't have any fond memories of Larry. I know that there HAS to be a reason for the things he did and allowed to happen in my life and I'm sure that there were times that he tried or did his best but it wasn't enough or it was too little too late.
When I close my eyes and think of him these are the vivid images that come to mind: an ostrich skin boot coming toward me as I'm being kicked out of anger, a hand grabbing me by the front of my shirt so hard that his hand-print was a bruise on my chest for hours/days later, un-kind words of you are never or you will never be, a beating with a piece of sugar cane over something as trivial as a misplaced slipper, a long ride down a dirt road where he pulled over and said "I can kill you out here, leave your body and no one will ever find you", and as I type this tears come to my eyes. I am NOT those things but someone who I haven't had contact with for years has put some real scars on my soul and can still make my hands sweat, my stomach turn and my head ache. I don't have many vivid memeories of my childhood - I have "created" an alternate life that has none of those things in them but at night when my daughter is tucked in, my husband is beside me and all should be right with the world I sometimes shake my head and wonder.... How? How could he have done these things to a child? How could he have not loved and cherished the gift of a daughter he was given? How, How, How....
A few days ago I found out he was in the hospital not doing well and I cried. I cried for the words I will never speak to him, I cried for the child who still to this day would have LOVED to had or been loved and wasn't, I cried for the could have and should haves in this world. I cried.
Have I forgotten? No. Have I forgiven? Some days I have and then others I am not so sure. I think that "forgiven/forgotten" is a process that doesn't happen over night. I know I won't ever get an apology. I know that I won't ever have "that confrontation" I long for. I know that if any forgiveness is going to happen it has to happen within my own self... so please pray for me because I haven't forgiven or forgotten but I'm trying and that is the best anyone can do. Isn't it?
1 comment:
Prayers for you...
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