So.... I just deleted the first draft to the blog I was righting tonight. Why? Because it's not from the heart; here is where I am tonight and please before you read another word don't judge.
I do the best I try my best to be the best person I know how. Sometimes I succeed in meeting most of my expectations for myself and a LOT of times I don't.
The other night I wrote a poem about "what do you see when you see me" and a dear friend actually wrote back.
I AM too hard on myself and I should forgive and let go of some of the past hurts I carry. I know this and am working towards it. I, like many people feel lost sometimes, and unfortunately I am not always my best. Why do I have these unrealistic expectations of myself and others? I guess it can be summed up in the fact that if I expect the best then I am doing my best and being my best. In a nut shell that IS important to me. The question is why?
If you are reading this you see a repetative word - that word is "best". Why is it so important this word that measures? I guess I need to figure that out because I don't want it to be passed onto my daughter - I just want her to BE - free without the expectation that I have placed on myself.
Hello my name is Aimee and I am a perfectionist because I feel that if I am my "best" or as close to perfect as I can get then people with love and accept me.
Will they? I know that love and acceptance is not measured by what you do or how you look and yet still I place such worth in those things. As of today - tonight I am going to try very hard not to.. tonight my eyes were opened by my sweet daughters tears saying "mommy, I forgive you"..... tonight I lost my temper - and put Allie Beth in time out because she wasn't "being her best". I NEED to be the one in time out - how dare I place my un-real expectations on such a sweet, dear, loving child.
Shame one me!
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