4/365

Take a look at this picture because this WAS me today...

Tonight I want to talk about "insecurity" because unfortunately it is a part of myself that I severely dislike.

This morning we went to our weekly play-date at Kids City where there were seven other moms with their children. I found myself halfheartedly participating in the conversations around me and completely NOT participating in others and as I sit here right now I am so disgusted with myself. You see as I was sitting there not noticing the beauty of the moms around me and our diversity but comparing myself to them. "unrealistically"

I KNEW what I was doing and yet I didn't stop.... I wasn't thin enough, I was pretty enough, my clothes weren't right, I didn't have the correct things to say that would be witty and light, I was the "blob" as I typically call myself. As I sit here writing this I ask myself why in the world will I say these things to ME but never ever would I speak them out loud to another?

I wouldn't say those things to loved one, or even an aquiantance. I don't THINK these things about the people around me but yet I allow myself to say and think these awful things about me.... all this rambling to ask a question. Why am I so hard on myself - how can I be so cruel? I do NOT want my daughter to grow this way or see me struggle like this.

I could blame it on childhood; when I was younger it seemed like I was always compared to my sister... I couldn't fit in the type of clothes she could, I wasn't athletic, I wasn't the smartest, I wasn't.... I could also blame it on the media where well you know what that is and what it looks like, just open a Vogue magazine... but let's put blame where it belongs. Hello my name is Aimee Neu and I am insecure.

Dear Lord, Please lighten my burden. Please remind me daily that you created me in YOUR image. Please take away this insecurity that I feel daily. Please forgive me for not taking joy in your creation of myself. Please be with me, hold me, love me, carry me though so that TOMORROW I am less and yet more.

Amen

3/365

This is a picture of Allie Beth (circa. Mardi Gras 2008). I look at this picture and can't help but smile. The saying "have feet, will travel" comes to mind. One foot in front of the other; it's such a simple concept but such a hard adult lesson to retain and persistently DO.

SO, the topic tonight is none other than my dear sweet "gregarious" daughter Allie Beth.

This past September she turned four and yet if feels like yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital.

She is my heart, my soul, my pride and joy. I love that she is Scarlett O'Hara in the making. Anyone who has ever met Allie Beth will say she is both dramatic, outgoing, verbal "to a T" and a lot more.


I will admit that Allie Beth was a unplanned hope. We had just had a miscarriage when we found out WEEKS later that this magnificent life lay within me. A precious fluttering beating heart no more than my own "little bean". As I write this I think back to those days of both fear and shear unadulterated joy, the kind that you know once passed life will NEVER be the same. Life was not the same once Allie Beth came into our lives.

Her coming into our lives forced me to put aside "myself" and it was the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I had so many real fears like; would I be a good mother (knowing that my own biological mother and father had NOT been), would I be able to love enough (I felt I hadn't been loved enough growing up), would I be patient enough (I am not a patient person by nature), would I BE "enough". I have to admit that I still struggle with that fear of "will I be enough" and right after that thought is the knowledge that follows me today that some days I will be and some days I won't be.

Some days I struggle with the perfect image of "mother" I have in my head (June Cleaver). This alternate reality has me in my pearls, cooking dinner, with my hair perfect, makeup one while the children are quietly playing at the dinner table and my husband on his way home from work. I am consoled that even June Cleaver was not June Cleaver but rather an invention of Hollywood, an icon of what motherhood personified in the 1950's! In the same breath I make myself laugh by saying thank GOD I'm not June Cleaver....

I will write this because I feel like it needs to be said. Life IS hard but if we hold on to those joys that life gives us then life can be beautiful. I read an article in Oprah magazine this past month by a women who talked about how growing up she never felt beautiful. That she always compared herself to what society deemed beautiful UNTIL.. she had her son. The day the delivery nurse said to her "he is beautiful and looks just like his mother" was the day her entire outlook changed. Now she has two sons and KNOWS her beauty and worth through that simple revelation given to her by a simple statement. I thought that was one of the most beautiful, open articles I had red in some time and it struck home with myself. The person I beat up every day, the person I speak to so harshly, the person I call ugly, not acceptable is none other than myself but you know what? I am "enough" I am Allie Beth's mother and though I may be no June Cleaver I am Aimee Neu. Looking at our scrapbooks, seeing my daughter smile/laugh/sing/dance and be open with the world is a reflection that I AM.... and will be as long as I keep striving, trying and being.

2/365

More than once in my life I have heard the saying "we are all a thread in the tapestry of life". Today I have put a lot of thought in this. Some threads are bold, strong, leaving a distinct impression while others are just a thin pastel thread used to accent another.

I have been wondering what type of thread I truly am. One would hope that you would be the thread that was strong, binding, bold, uniquely like no other.

I can't truly say what thread I am "yet" but I would like to share with you a thread that I DO know or rather have seen in this tapestry of life.

Her name, "The Duchess" as my Papa called her. She is a binding thread that has held together generations of family, has passed through this life leaving a lasting impression on most that she has met. She is strong, enduring, timeless and uniquely made. This unique, colorful, binding thread is my Mama Linda, a Granna, a sister, mother, friend, and so much more. I'm truly honored to know her and have her in my life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't find myself thinking "what would Mama think", "how would Mama deal with...", "what would Mama say". This isn't because I'm weak and don't have a mind of my own but more because I have seen her time and time again deal with even the hardest things in life (my Papa passing away, my sisters and my arguments, small town cruelty's, family dramas" ALL with an enduring grace that is resounds loudly and strongly. When I think about life as a tapestry my Mama would be one of the "fates" called "truth".

She is strong, enduring, graceful, loving and bears truth along with a wit like no one else I have ever met in this life.

I write all this on day two to say this... if Life is a tapestry and we are each a single thread then I HOPE one day I can be a mother who is binding, bright, shows through, unique, strong, lasting and much more. If I have to aspire to BE like someone I can think of no one better than my Mama Linda who "chose" to be my mother and still is....

1/365

I'm sitting here at the computer "reflecting"" with Tracy Chapman playing on iTunes, a hot cup of gensing tea to my right and to be honest a little apprehensive as to where to begin. I was inspired by a fellow mom who did a blog each day for this past year, her pictures and words were an inspiration so much so that now I am "giving it a go".

Where to start? What to say? How to say it?

I guess I should start with why I would like to do this. There are SO many reasons some of them are that I miss my Papa who was the true literary of the family, wordsmith to the nth degree. One of my fondest childhood memories is when we used to play word games. As I grew older I wanted to become a writer but in college got sidetracked for whatever reason.

Starting this project is my way back, to put a crack in the "I can't" mentality and fear that keeps me from consistently writing. I have written a book called "Screened In Porches" that only my husband and a few close friends have seen, maybe one day I will get the nerve to see if it's worth publishing; though I have to admit I would have to list it as "fiction" as I don't believe that anyone would actually believe any of it!

In a nutshell the why of this project is as follows; I want to track this year both the ups and downs, I want to write again if only for myself, I want to do something that I believe will make my Papa smile up in heaven and lastly but most importantly I want to give my daughter written words from me by me. My biggest fear is that my time will end before I'm ready and that my daughter won't "know me" so... this, the scrapbooking, the storytelling and songs etc. that I do it's all in a small way for Allie Beth so that she one day has a legacy to hold onto even if I'm not there. BUT enough "morbid", now it's time to begin. Here goes...

Today the first day of the year I watched a movie called "The Cinderella Pact" about a group of women who chose to change. It inspired me as well as made me realize a truth I hadn't considered before. This past year was my year to be "pleasing" to try to please everyone, to make them see who I am the better part of me, the changes and strides I have made in my life. I don't necessarily regret this year as it was a year of definite measurable change but I do wish I hadn't tried so "dablamed hard". I exhausted my self, gave of myself to the detrimate of myself to please others. All in the hopes that "others" would SEE me. See the person I desired them to see; the absolute mother, the loving wife, the good daughter, the worthy sister, the deserving friend but I made an error this year. In my mind there is this mantra if I wish I could be, I want to be, if only I could be, when in truth "I AM". I am absolutely the best mother I know to be and strive daily to be better, I am a loving wife who goes that extra mile, I am a good, loving , well intending daughter who adored my papa and miss him dearly oh so so very much and do all that I can to make sure my Mama DOES know I love her because if I have learned anything in these past two years is that "life is too short to not". I am a sister who is waiting; enough said on that one.... and I am a deserving friend who gives with no expectation of reciprocation, who puts my friends first and loves without judgment I rejoice when my friends rejoice, I cry when my friends do and I hurt when they hurt. I AM.

On K-love radio this week they suggested that instead of defining your New Years Resolution in a sentence you should rather find a word to personify. This year starting now on day one my word is "balance". I will find time for myself, I will fill my spiritual/emotional gas tank with worthy things, I will give when I can, I will love with the open heart I always have, I will be there for those when I can because I AM.

What are we in Christ? Who are we CALLED to be? Who are you?

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus... (Ephesians 2:4).

The most important truth in all of Christianity is stated right here: We are made alive together with Christ. Notice that Paul says with Christ three times: We are made alive with Christ. We are raised up with Christ. We are made to sit with Him. He has come to live in us, and He has joined himself to us, and we are one person with Him. That is the most important fact upon which to build all the rest of Christian faith and experience--this great, tremendous statement that we are made alive with Jesus Christ.

Do you remember how the Lord himself taught that? He said, I am the vine; you are the branches (John 15:5a). Can you tell where the branch ends and the vine starts? No. They are one plant, sharing one life together. So from here on our identity is no longer in Adam but it is in Christ. We are no longer just ordinary human beings. We are new creations, begun again, linked with the life of Jesus Christ.

Later in this letter Paul likens the church to a body, of which Christ is the head. Have you examined your body lately? Have you noticed that your fingers don't come off if you merely twist them a half-turn and pull? They are tied to the body, and they share the life of the body. They are not attached by any mechanical process, but rather they are an organic part. These figures are all given to us to show us the intimate way we are united to Jesus Christ, to tell us that He is our life.

So never think of yourself in any other way, because the whole work of the enemy is to get you to disbelieve that and to go back to thinking that you are just an ordinary individual, struggling on through life, trying to make it the best way you can, needing to mobilize all your human resources to try to get ahead of the other fellow and to achieve as much of the fulfillment of life as you can. Any time you believe that, you go right back to acting as you once did--back to the misery, back to the heartaches. You can escape that only when you come back again to this central truth--we are alive in Jesus Christ!

There is one final thing to notice here. These verbs are all in the past tense. This is something that has happened, not something that is going to happen. It has already occurred when you believed in Jesus Christ. You don't have to work toward it. It is not something that great saints achieve after years of effort. It is something that is already true, and every Christian has this experience. We were made alive in Jesus Christ. We cannot be the same again. Even if we try, we won't be able to. This is why I sometimes say to people who get discouraged with their Christian life, Well, quit then, go back, try not to be a Christian. See what will happen. They can't do it, and they know they can't, because they are new creatures, made alive in Jesus Christ.

Father, thank You for this great truth. I pray that You would make plain to me that this is who I am and that I will never he able to handle life alright until I understand this.

Considering this reality, have we discovered His life which is our life?

A Journey That Began Before The First Step.

A few months ago I realized that life is truly a journey and sometimes we are on them without knowing.

According to Webster's Dictionary the definition of a journey is "an act or instance of traveling from one place to another; something suggesting travel or passage from one place to another (the journey from youth to maturity); the journey through time".

When we are born into life. Before we take our first steps our journey has has in many ways already begun. During those infant and childhood stages of life we are "carried" on this journey we call life. We don't make the choices although we see sites, we experience life but in essence our feet have yet to touch ground and we are just "along for the ride". During this time we have no control of the roads we travel, we have no control of many of the things that happen but yet it still IS our journey.

The transition from being carried and taking our first steps happen differently for all of us.

My mom says "I was plunked into life" because of what my biological mothers and fathers choices were. In a lot of ways I was never allowed to be a child, it was a suck it up, get it over with, survive life that made for a rocky young childhood. Neither here no there though the point is that it is different for each of us but one thing holds constant, through no choice of our own when our feet hit the ground we didn't put them there, someone else did.

The defining moment in life is where you go once your feet hit the ground. Dr. Suess wrote a fantastic story called "Oh The Places You'll Go" where it says " You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go. I think this sums it up! We will decide where we go.

Sometimes we are going to stumble and fall, sometimes we are going to go down a dark lonely path, sometimes we are even going to fall and not want to get up BUT life goes on. Life doesn't care if you had a hard childhood, if you were abused, if you didn't receive the life skills to survive -- in my opinion life is uncaring "thing". BUT there is a redeeming constant; Christ does care, he sits beside you in the dark when you can't/won't get up, he holds your hand when you can't/won't go it alone. He is a flashlight in the dark, a cheerleader on the sidelines, a counselor in the chair. "He IS"

So wherever you are on your journey - take a moment - evaluate - look around - DECIDE right now where YOU want to go - "life is too short", and only getting shorter. Travel with one foot in front of the other and know that you don't have to go it alone.

Where I am in life I owe to those who carried me in the beginning. Where I am in life I owe to those who showed me in the beginning. Where I am I owe to my feet, but especially to the LIGHT that shined on my path in the dark. Without Christ I would not BE. (Thank you mama and papa for making sure I learned this, for making sure you reinforced it, for living it daily. Without you I would not be the me I am today. God is my savior and YOU were the ones that brought him into my life and showed me his sweet love, forgiveness and constancy.)

This much I know for sure....

Prayer Request

Last year at this time my dad passed away of a stroke. We miss him very much and our family is struggling with the grief of the one year anniversary of his death.

My dad was one of the most loving, caring people in the world. He went out of his way to make the world a better place. He cared for others more than himself. He gave without want of any return. My dad was my hero and I miss him terribly. I am so blessed that he and my mom "chose me - I'm adopted".

There are days that I want to pick up the phone to share with him. There are days I want his guidance. There are days I wish I could hold his hand one more time, or ask him one more question. There are days.... and I know that this month will be hard.

Please pray for our family as we struggle with lingering grief and remember him (I know he would want us to do this with a smile, and to live our lives in the best light like he showed us to) He was a man of God and I just pray that as his daughter I live as a "woman of God".

Thank you for reading this and taking a moment to pray for us...

In Christ,
Aimee Neu