I got a phone call this morning telling me that my biological father has passed away. How do I feel? I guess that would be the million dollar question... I'm numb. I am hurting and for some reason I'm scared.
In life there are should have and could haves. I should have made peace with my childhood and the part he played, I could have told him I forgave him but I did neither of those things. For some reason I always thought there would be more time. Times up and school is out and I didn't resolve anything.
I could console myself that I am not that scared little girl anymore and that my life is my own, I should remind myself that I am a wife and a mother with a great life that is free of abuse, fear, and all those other "things" that my childhood held.
Am I going to the funeral? Yes, I'm going. Am I scared? Yes, I'm scared. I don't want my not going to be a regret I have later in life because no matter what he did or failed to do as a father (I have never considered him a father; my father was Papa Ben a GREAT man who did GREAT things who loved me for me) he was a person that deserved the basic human level of respect that I as a Christian should have the ability to give.
I have cried, I have yelled in my head and now I have resolved myself that on Tuesday at ten a.m. I will be at John Larry Netherland's funeral. I will hold my head high and when I become that scared little girl in my heart I will remind myself that he can't hurt me anymore... that's something at least.
Please pray for me and my family during this time.