Monday, March 7, 2011
I think back to when I got married when I was under 150 lbs, I was in a good size 12 and was crying every night over how big and akward I was. Now I know that I didn't have a weight problem so much as I had a self image problem. Where does it stem from? I could say a bad childhood, or the models that we see airbrushed in magazines, or the commercials we see on television but the fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter where it comes from. It matters what I'm going to chose to do about my personal view of my self image.
When I look in the mirror I'm not in the least bit pleased with what or who I see. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I need to lose weight. I need to exercise more. I need to eat better foods and make better food choices. But, before or rather as I make these changes in my day to day life I need to LEARN to love myself in my skin. I need to learn to not cringe when I see myself naked in the mirror. As of right now every time I see myself I want to cry so my solution to date is to wear big hippy clothes, avoid mirrors at all costs and to perpetually have a camera in hand so that I'm taking the pictures and not in them.
The fact of the matter is I don't want my daughter to grow up with my hang-ups. So I have to find a solution. My solution? I joined a gym - I'm going to Yoga class twice a week and Zumba class twice a week - I'm doing my best to make better food choices (for me this means keeping GOOD foods in the house to eat) - I'm following a diet plan that is realistic and includes two snacks a day - I'm asking my friends to cheer me on (I do better when encouraged) - I'm giving up sugary confections of sweets and fast food for Lent in the hopes that these days of denial will force me to realize that I don't need them to begin with - I'm doing the best I can to be the best I can.
So in the parting words of our Yoga class tonight.
Namaste, meaning,"I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One."