80-86/365

I got a phone call this morning telling me that my biological father has passed away.  How do I feel?  I guess that would be the million dollar question...  I'm numb.  I am hurting and for some reason I'm scared. 

In life there are should have and could haves.  I should have made peace with my childhood and the part he played, I could have told him I forgave him but I did neither of those things. For some reason I always thought there would be more time.  Times up and school is out and I didn't resolve anything. 

I could console myself that I am not that scared little girl anymore and that my life is my own, I should remind myself that I am a wife and a mother with a great life that is free of abuse, fear, and all those other "things" that my childhood held. 

Am I going to the funeral?  Yes, I'm going.  Am I scared?  Yes, I'm scared.  I don't want my not going to be a regret I have later in life because no matter what he did or failed to do as a father (I have never considered him a father; my father was Papa Ben a GREAT man who did GREAT things who loved me for me) he was a person that deserved the basic human level of respect that I as a Christian should have the ability to give. 

I have cried, I have yelled in my head and now I have resolved myself that on Tuesday at ten a.m. I will be at John Larry Netherland's funeral.  I will hold my head high and when I become that scared little girl in my heart I will remind myself that he can't hurt me anymore... that's something at least.

Please pray for me and my family during this time.
Thank you,

Aimee

76-79/365

Lately I have been reading the book "I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids" by Ashworth & Noble. 

The book is about two moms on a mission to solve the mystery of balance and expectations that mothers have and feel they need to live up to.  IE:  The mother who buys the store bought cupcakes versus the one who slaves in the kitchen to make the fifty cupcakes for the school bake sale or the mother who is zen and is put together versus the other mom who is screaming at her kids to stop running in the house, or to clean up their mess or to just please not make a mess. 

This book resonates with me on a lot of levels.  I read the book and feel myself calming because it quotes mothers who state their feeling of not measuring up or having un-realistic expcetation of themselves or others or who seem lost or unable to figure out how to balance or even what balance is. 

That is me!  In January I made the New Years resolution to find balance in my life.  It is less than four months later and I don't even have a working definition of what balance is.  I seem to be on this teeter totter balance "contraption" where either I do way too much or not enough in this crazy place called my life.  I have been the mother who made the fifty cupcakes for my daughters birthday party and I have also been the screeching banshee standing in the living room screaming at my four year old to stop screaming.  (Sort of ironic huh?)

I have come to my own conclusion that there truly is not real definition of balance in this world.  There are conceivable notions of limits and there are realistic expectations in our culture but balance is a state of mind.  I am here to share with you that I in fact do not have balance in my life.  I also have to admit that most of the time though I desire balance I don't consistently strive for it.  Why?  Probably because the striving takes both time and energy that most days I simply do not have.

So in the morning when I get up I will resolve to do my morning yoga - eat a healthy(er) breakfast - put up the laundry that is piled up on the couch from last week - and be the best mother/wife/friend/daughter that I can possibly be.  Will I be a balanced mother this week?  Some moments I will be and most moments I won't and that my friends is o.k. for me right now.  I have come to the conclusion that balance is a journey that I probably won't ever reach but it isn't the destination that is so important but the journey along the way. 

Namaste

75/365

The sun is shining and it's warming up outside. I got up this morning to a smiling daughter, the girls were in a good mood, MOPS had an inspiring speaker in a phrase "there is nothing wrong", so why do I have a knot in my stomach.  I feel like the other shoe is going to drop and don't know why.  I'm thinking that if I write it out then maybe IT will go away.

For the past few weeks I have felt isolated from people.  I feel like I am in a room with a thousand people and yet in unequivocally alone. I'm going through the motions "faking it until I make it" trying relaxation techniques, yoga, visualizations, journaling but I feel like there is a dark ominous cloud hanging overhead. I know that people sometimes feel this way but I'm not "liking" it. 

I'm frustrated that the house isn't finished the contractor is "supposed" to return on Thursday (we will see), the arborist who is supposed to come take down the rotten tree in the back yard who was supposed to come Mon or Tuesday has not come.  I am frustrated with people saying that they are going to do things or be somewhere and not doing it.  I strive SO hard to do and be what I say I will do and be.  I try so hard to keep my word but it seems that others don't and it is making me angry.  I'm swallowing that anger and internalizing it and I know that this isn't a reason to get down in the dumps but it's not just this.  I don't know what it is really I just "feel" off.

73-74/365

I haven't been writing each day as I set out to do with this 365 day blogging project.  I have been trying to write as much as I can though to be honest I don't have a lot to say right now. 

Today I was thinking about friendships and how I wish I had a "good" friend that I spent time with outside of my family.  Someone that got me, who I could talk to on a regular basis, someone who didn't judge and then I thought "no, Aimee - what you are describing is a therapist".  I got a good laugh at my own expense but it was a laugh. 

Our world isn't perfect so therefore our lives aren't perfect and I get that.  I cognitively get the fact that our lives are only ours to a certain extent but there is a small part of me that wants to rebel.  I want to believe in happily ever after,  I want there to be perfect days and perfect nights, I want there to be a definite cure for cancer, and babies to not die and mothers/fathers to be their best all the time but life doesn't work that way.

So I guess all we can do is what we can do with what we have and make the best of it.  Why is it as I write those words I feel like I'm settling for something less than? I want more and I'm not sure what I want more of.  Tonight my soul is restless and my heart is heavy.  Tonight I would love to have that friend that I have all too often envisioned to come over and share a glass of wine with me and us talk about nothing or something.  I know I have a husband I can and do talk to but right now my hearts desire is a kindred "other" to share with...

71-72/365

Have you ever had it so good? 

I think about that question tonight and I smile.  I smile because my family is healthy, we have a good roof over our heads, we have our bills paid, our families are healthy **for the most part** and we are loved.  These aren't small things when you think about it.  These are the things that even Shakespere sonnetts didn't begin to touch on.  Sure Shakespere wrote about love, life, eternity, souls and all that but those were just words.  Tonight we are living the story called our lives. 

Next Saturday David and I will have been married for six years.  There were some who didn't think we would make it past our first year much less this far, but we have.  It hasn't been easy, we have gone through a lot in the past few years.  But tonight I sit here "sharing space" with my husband feeling good.  Sure, I have had more jobs than I should and changed careers  more times than I care to count.  We got caught up in "living the American dream"... we got married -- bought a house and had a baby in less than two years -- money went from tight to nonexisitent for a while - Allie Beth got sick (real sick) - my Papa got sick **I think he stayed as long as he did with us not because of his physical heart but his HEART that loved and lived for us** and I miss him every day there isn't a day that goes by that there isn't something I wouldn't love the opportunity to talk to him about, Mama had a heart attack **scared me beyond belief** but she is here and I'm cherishing every minute we have with her while we have her because life really is short and tomorrows aren't guaranteed, all we have is today, David lost his grandparents, we went from having a crazy purebred lab. to a psycho cat **which we still have, any takers?**, I totally checked out for almost a year **read the beginning of my blog back last August for details**, David and I fought - really fought but we stuck it out and found our way out that tunnel to a really good place in life and so on. 

I have come to the conclusion that life isn't a fairy tale it just has fairy tale moments that we have to cherish and hold onto, remembering when times are bad.  Are there going to be hard times in the future? Yep there will be but I'm not going to dwell on the what if's or the could have should have's.  I'm going to sit here with my glass of wine, go cuddle on the couch with my husband holding his hand while our daughter sleeps good sound sleep down the hall. 

Life IS good and that is GREAT.

68-70/365

I haven't written in a few days simply because I didn't have much to say. **Beware that this post is a little all over the place**

  All is right in my little world.  In some ways I look around and can't smile and the things that make me frown are not very important so why let them bother me... right? 

This week has been a roller-coaster ride.
Note to self: always get prescriptions filled BEFORE they run out.  Tuesday night I didn't have a medication that I usually take and found myself awake at 2:00 a.m. unable to go back to sleep.  I watched re-runs of America's Next Top Model **I'm not the biggest fan**, Private Practice and Nakiata. The next day I honestly didn't know if I was coming or going though by Wednesday afternoon I had caught my sixth or seventh wind.

Thursday was a lazy day at the house with the girls.  We did very little other than the necessary; me being still shaky and tired. 

But today... today was beautiful.  I only had Cecilia and Allie Beth to care for which made things simple to say the least.  We had a morning of cereal and cartoons -- dress up -- more cartoons -- coloring and playdough.  After all that I decided it was time to get out of the house for a bit -- on the way out I checked the mail to find a letter from the state saying we had more of a tax return than we expected from 486 to 803 almost DOUBLE and that has gotta make anyone smile. 

So to celebrate I took the girls to Chick-fil-a and then to Target where we bought a new movie and I bought a much needed and desired extra large flat iron that works on wet hair.  I have to admit I was skeptical at first but this thing really works - my hair is full of body and fantastic -- it's the first time I have LIKED my hair in a while!  SO... getting back home after our expedition late I decided to let the girls skip nap time and instead have quiet time watching their new movie "Anastasia" while I picked up the house and put out our Spring decorations. 

Once Cecilia left for the day and David came home we were off to a MOPS friend Lisa's to pick up a picnic/sand-box toy that I had bought from her.  We got home and had it put together in under five minutes; which if anyone knows David and I, that is a miracle as we are the most NONFUNCTIONAL people I know - I mean we can't even screw in light bulbs without something going wrong!  It was freaking awesome and I can't stop smiling about it.  We let Allie Beth play for a bit and then went to Sammy's Seafood for our Friday Fish (one cool thing about being Catholic is fish during lent every Friday) -- then off to Target AGAIN to buy two Adirondack chairs - they are great - comfortable - plastic and blue.  So once home we spent about an hour outside sitting in our chairs - having a drink - listening to music while Allie Beth played in her new sandbox. Today was a GREAT day and all was right with the world.  Tomorrow... who knows; but today was GREAT. 

67/365

So.... tonight was my third Zumba class.  I still feel like I have two left feet and that I'm moving like my body is stuck in quick sand but I am feeling the burn.  Yesterday I went to my first Yoga class in a long time **the last one I went to was the day before my wedding which was March 19th of 2005** My legs, back, abs, stomach, neck are very sore but I'm not quitting.  I'm finding the hardest part of this is cutting back my calories. It's hard being diabetic and cutting your food intake. I really hate the shaky queasy feeling I get when my blood sugar drops too low.  I'm doing my snacks and meals but the calories are still up there.  Maybe I should go back and see a dietician...

I am determined to do this - I am determined to not give up - I am determined to see results - I am determined.

The thing that is helping me the most with my food is to think about what a friend said about fast food and sugar.  Would you eat rat poison?  No, because it makes you sick and could kill you!  SO why would you eat fast food and sweets if it can do the same thing? I am choosing not to.  I want to have better health.  My favorite poem is "When I grow old I'll wear purple".  I WANT to grow old, I want to be mobile, take care of myself, be able to chase my grandchildren around the garden, sit on my own front/back patio and enjoy the sunsets and to be honest with the weight and health I am right now I probably wont.... that is a harsh reality.  I guess tonight was a night of introspection on my part.  I chose to do and be different for the benefit of ME. 

Tomorrow I will get up do my morning yoga - eat a sensible breakfast - play with the girls and then after they leave for the day get in my car and go to another Yoga class in the hopes that I AM making a difference and putting money in my proverbial old age good health piggy bank. 

66/365

Today I made a decision to not lose weight or go on another diet.  I have decided to embark on a journey to learn to become comfortable in my own skin.  Do I need to lose weight? Yes, for medical reasons I do need to lose weight.  Do I need to exercise and eat correctly?  Yes, everyone does.  I'm making a lifestyle change.  I'm choosing to do my best to be my best at my best daily.  I know that seems simple but for me it's going to take a lot of hard work, dedication and perseverance. 

I think back to when I got married when I was under 150 lbs, I was in a good size 12 and was crying every night over how big and akward I was.  Now I know that I didn't have a weight problem so much as I had a self image problem.  Where does it stem from?  I could say a bad childhood, or the models that we see airbrushed in magazines, or the commercials we see on television but the fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter where it comes from.  It matters what I'm going to chose to do about my personal view of my self image. 

When I look in the mirror I'm not in the least bit pleased with what or who I see.  I'm not comfortable in my own skin.  I need to lose weight.  I need to exercise more.  I need to eat better foods and make better food choices.  But, before or rather as I make these changes in my day to day life I need to LEARN to love myself in my skin.  I need to learn to not cringe when I see myself naked in the mirror.  As of right now every time I see myself I want to cry so my solution to date is to wear big hippy clothes, avoid mirrors at all costs and to perpetually have a camera in hand so that I'm taking the pictures and not in them. 

The fact of the matter is I don't want my daughter to grow up with my hang-ups.  So I have to find a solution.  My solution?  I joined a gym - I'm going to Yoga class twice a week and Zumba class twice a week - I'm doing my best to make better food choices (for me this means keeping GOOD foods in the house to eat) - I'm following a diet plan that is realistic and includes two snacks a day - I'm asking my friends to cheer me on (I do better when encouraged) - I'm giving up sugary confections of sweets and fast food for Lent in the hopes that these days of denial will force me to realize that I don't need them to begin with - I'm doing the best I can to be the best I can. 

So in the parting words of our Yoga class tonight. 
Namaste, meaning,"I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One."

65/365

I wish that I could say that I was too busy to blog yesterday but the truth is I was just too lazy.  Yesterday morning we got up around eight a.m. David's sister Kari and her two children Dylan and Maryn from Tx. spent the night after Saturdays parade.  I was surprised how calm everyone was. Yeah the play room was a mess for a bit but they actually cleaned up the entire thing themselves; I was astounded to say the least.

We were supposed to have brunch at my house but because David's parents and their house guests (Aunt Susan - Uncle Rocky - cousins Ashely and Scott) were still asleep we went over there to have brunch and do birthday cake.  It's hard to believe another year has passed and Mike David's dad is a year older; time really does seem to be flying by.  After birthday cake and quick farewells we went back to the house for naps (Allie and I anyway) David was watching his ESPN and loving the quiet time. 

I have to admit that I adore Sunday afternoons with no obligations it seems like more times than not we have a birthday party - church function of "something" to do that seems to cut our weekend just an inch shorter.  So, yesterday was a pleasant surprise. I got to watch my Lifetime Movie Network,  Allie got to play in the re-arranged playroom with her Mardi Gras loot and in the betweens we got laundry and household chores more or less finished. 

I found myself leisurely pursing magazines, calling Mama to check on her weekend, looking online at patio furniture with David etc... it was just plain nice! I can honestly say that Monday didn't come too soon. It came when it was supposed to and I was refreshed and ready to greet it head on. 

After some thought I have come to the conclusion that Mondays aren't bad it's Sundays that we let escape us without relishing them for what they are supposed to be that gets us!

64/365

 Today was a fantastic day.  This morning Allie Beth's Easter Dress from her Granna came in.  It came from The Wooden Soldier, a very special children's dress store.  We are so blessed that she has a Granna who can love and spoil her from time to time.  She is going to be the best dressed little girl on Easter Sunday.  When she put it on we had to bribe her to get it off again.  She is very much a little diva in the making.  I haven't figured out if that is a good or bad thing yet!

Today we went to the Mardi Gras Parade in Shreveport.  A dear friend of ours "staked out a spot" so that we were right there near the beginning.  Most of David's family (Aunt-Uncle-Cousins-Sister-Niece-Nephew-Mom and Dad) were there with us.  My friend Sandi grilled hot dogs and we all brought a side - there was plenty of friends/food and fellowship even if it was a bit on the cold side.  The above picture is of Allie Beth chasing down one of the vendors (overpriced junk) so that she could "see" Dora - he was nice enough to let my niece Maryn and Allie Beth take a picture with her. 

 A picture of my nephew Dylan - he was snug as a bug in a rug under the tent wrapped up on my favorite 31 blanket!

 This is Maryn my niece - she really looks like her mom!

 Sandi's son Chase was a sport letting Allie Beth ride on his shoulders almost the entire parade even at one point letting her wear his jacket.  She racked up on beads and toys.  I know she had a fantastic time!  She was a real charmer screaming "Throw Me Something Mister".  I don't think anyone could have resisted; every float that came by had something special to hand to us for her and her cousins.  I loved how family friendly it was.

 Davids sister Kari with her children Dylan and Maryn - they had so much fun.  As we speak the are all out like a light.  We came home to have read beans and rice and watch The Princess and The Frog - I thought that would be an appropriate way to end the night.  Everyone else thought so too! 
I know that I stressed a lot before they all got here but I am thoroughly enjoying every minute of it!

63/365

Today I cleaned and rearranged the house in preparation of our weekend house guests.  Davids sister and children are coming in for the Mardi Gras Parade and to visit, this happens to be the same weekend that his Aunt/Uncle and cousins are coming in to stay at his parents house (two blocks away).  I was SO anxious over the house being under construction (it was supposed to be done today... lets just say it will be done hopefully some time next week) **and they just pointed out OTHER things that need repair or replacement today**

UGH, now you can see where my anxiety was coming from.  I always feel so inferior when it comes to Kari and her family because David and I "just aren't" - we live in a 1980's house - we drive older cars - we do the best we can and sometimes it's enough, then sometimes it isn't. David isn't a CEO of anything and I'm not teaching but we are getting by and in this economy I guess that counts for a lot. 

Someone once told me we lived in a time of collecting/owning/acquiring.  In the 1950's there was no concept of self storage and now it is a billion dollar industry - you either ARE or you acquire.  Which one are we or which one do we WANT to be.... I guess that is a good question to ponder tonight.  I personally would rather BE than to acquire but I have to tell myself that daily and be reminded from time to time.  So the fact that my house is not the best on the block, my car isn't the most modern, my clothes aren't the most fashionable is OK with me tonight as I write this because I know WHO I am and am OK with WHO I am.... are you?

62/365

too much on my mind tonight - my anxiety is through the roof - my mind is screaming - I NEED a break!

60-61/365

Life is going good.  I have no complaints other than I wish I had a money tree I could pluck money from every once in a while...

The home repairs are mounting daily BUT I keep consoling myself that once it's done it's done.  If I had it to do all over again I think I would NOT have bought a house right after David and I got married.  I think we had this picture of progression in our head sort of like the GREAT American dream -- get new car (check) graduate from college (check) start a career (check) get engaged and then married (check) buy a house (check) have a child (check) but things come up in between those progressions... There is such a thing and the unexpected happening and in mine and Davids case that has happened a lot.  I wish someone had not just told us but shown us that we needed to save more for that rainy day, that the current state of our economy could and would really affect us on a personal level, that yes our daughter could and would get sick and other than paying the doctors bills and praying there wasn't much more we could do.  Sometimes life and what occurs really is in the hands of others and we have to just deal.  So tonight as I do all I can to crunch numbers, pay bills and not cry over spilt milk I will console myself with the thought that what is, is and what was, was.  Lessons learned for better or worse and tomorrow will be a new day.