59/365

I just love my daughter, Allie Beth is such a treasure.  I love how she says I love you three thousand times a day and gives me kisses and hugs every time I turn around.  Today was a good day for trying new things.  We finally got Allie Beth out of her "food rut" and got her to eat pineapple AND grilled chicken tonight a huge triumph in the Neu household. 

We also have finally found a contractor to come fix the "kink and dinks" in the house everything from a broken water valve to termite damage and rot due to water damage.  In one single day he accomplished more than any other person has done in the entire time we have lived in this house.  The entire back porch has been dismantled AND taken away we now have a beautiful open patio that I can't wait to start planting around and decorating.  There is still some work to do on the awning and roof but it's already a huge improvement. 

I know that I have said it before but it really is the small successes in life that makes me happy.  I love that my husband called the dinner I cooked (grilled chicken, pasta salad and baked apples) Earthy,  I love that our home improvement project is improving daily,  I love that I made a new friend today and will start working for her on Saturdays soon (I am excited about being out in the public doing something social for a change, even if it is only one day a week),  I am loving life and loving living it.

Tomorrow is another adventure... Zumba; we shall see, we shall see :)

58/365

Have you said there is all to say to a loved one?  If their or your time on Earth was at an end would there be any regrets? 

I can honestly say that if I were to leave this Earth tomorrow that I have said all I needed to say to my husband and loved my daughter with all of my heart for all of the time given me.  I would only regret not being there for her most important days in life; I would miss her graduating, her going to college, her first love, her marriage, her having children, I would miss holding her though her first heart break, I would miss rejoicing with her over her first and greatest successes in life... I would MISS her and my husband but I would also know that they would know that my love transended time and that I loved them with all of my heart.

I know that this sounds morbid but I was thinking about regrets tonight.  I know that we all have regrets but in the culmination of things my greatest regrets would be not having the time needed to reconcile with my sister - there are so many things I would love to say to her if the time ever came the greatest of these is "to please if not forgive me then to at least pardon me for any real or perceived wrongs" - to tell her that I DO love her and I miss her dearly in my life... some roads once veered off of are so hard to ever walk down again...

I genuinely miss my sister and I wonder if we will ever get to a point of forgiveness on both parts but if we ever do I pray that I have the grace to accept the things I can not change and to change the things that I can - Serenity is such a small word but has such large implications don't you think?

55-57/365

So.... I'm not really sure what day I'm supposed to be on but since my friends is 57 I'm going w/ that number too! 

Today I learned a few life lessons.  I have to admit that yes I've learned them the hard way and ouch did it hurt.  If I could advise my daughter on some things it would be; never buy a house you can't keep well maintained because sometimes renting really is the better option, never depend solely on your college education because an ounce of common sense will get you far in life, and never say never.   Today David and I embarked on the journey of revival we are in the process of reviving this little cracker box house we call home and I have got to tell you we have a LONG way and painful road in front of us.  From the termite damage, water rot, broken water valve, black mold, and Lord knows what else we are taking it one bill and one step at a time.  Right now there is no light in sight but I will say that with each project that we accomplish with the help of our friendly neighborhood contractor we are learning more and more not only about home improvement but about ourselves.  We don't KNOW how to screw in a light bulb at this point but we are looking at each other hard in the mirror and realizing our shortcomings for what they are and moving forward.  It is past the point to blame each other, we have lived in this house for five years and only God knows how many more we will but if we want this place to stay our home we have to address the issues before they become any worse.  So tonight we bought a 200.00 dehumidifier to help pull water out of sheet rock and we now have a wording definition for black mold tomorrow we spray the walls w/ chemicals to kill the stuff and we more forward - at least we CAN move forward and as we got to bed tonight we STILL have a home.  Right?

54/365

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  Aren't we all insane to some extent?  I say yes, we are insane, in our own idiosyncrasy's of life.  Take my own actions for example; I go to bed on the same bed each night, waking in the same room each morning expecting life to be better more fulfilling than the day before.  Maybe expecting is the wrong word to use because I'm rather hoping more than anything.  What have I done to hope for a difference, hoping that when I turn on the news today I won't see or hear the same horrors and losses that are going in the world today as were yesterday?  I haven't done anything other than the simple act of prayer and eternal optimism.  Is that enough?  No, I guess not because when I turned on the television tonight I still heard the same horrible news that I always have, of a double homicide etc... why don't we rejoice and report more in the things that need to be rejoiced in more often - the birth of a child, the success of our neighbors, I know it sounds comical but I would love to hear on the news and tonight there was no murder, no home foreclosures, employment is up, national debt is lowered.  Call me the eternal optimist but tonight I will go to bed with the same prayers on my lips as the night before and tomorrow I will wake with the same insane hope that the world will be a better place.... I am certifiably insane and proud of it!

47-53/365

Wow!  It has been days since I have last posted a blog. Last week  I got sick with the flu and everything went to the way-side while I was down/out.  I'm back to my blogging and glad to report feeling much better.  What to say, what to write about, so many things to ponder.  Tonight I will just say... I'm glad to be back and looking forward to getting started again soon.  I have missed my meanderings if that is possible. 

46/365

I think these lyrics from "For A Dancer" says it all.

Keep a fire burning in your eye
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down
I don't remember losing track of you
You were always dancing in and out of view
I must have thought you'd always be around
Always keeping things real by playing the clown
Now you're nowhere to be found

I don't know what happens when people die
Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try
It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear
That I can't sing
I can't help listening
And I can't help feeling stupid standing 'round
Crying as they ease you down
'Cause I know that you'd rather we were dancing
Dancing our sorrow away
(Right on dancing)
No matter what fate chooses to play
(There's nothing you can do about it anyway)

Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone

Keep a fire for the human race
Let your prayers go drifting into space
You never know what will be coming down
Perhaps a better world is drawing near
And just as easily it could all disappear
Along with whatever meaning you might have found
Don't let the uncertainty turn you around
(The world keeps turning around and around)
Go on and make a joyful sound

Into a dancer you have grown
From a seed somebody else has thrown
Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own
And somewhere between the time you arrive
And the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive
But you'll never know

45/365

"You've never had it so good."  Have you ever been told this?  I think that this saying is relative to where we are in life today.  Relative, meaning that we really haven't had it so good as we have it today.  We spend so much time regretting the past or looking forward to tomorrow.  Looking forward to that next pay check, next vacation, next day off, next Friday of the week - sometimes I feel like we are rushing through life seldom enjoying the moment we are in. 

Don't get me wrong I live for Fridays and can't wait for vacations either but there is something to be said about mundane Mondays.  If every day was a party would that party be special?  I don't think that it would be.  I think back to my college years and remember the gauntlet of "events" that I participated in that at the time were not special or "no big thing".  Today going on a mission trip, having coffee with a friend, sitting for more than fifteen minutes uninterrupted watching my favorite Survivor episode, sitting outside for hours on end on a blanket reading, going to the gym to work out whenever the mood struck me; all of these things were day to day norms in my life at one time.  But today to do even one of those things would be a treat because I'm not just me anymore I am in essence plus one or even two!

I LOVE my life and wouldn't trade it for a day of that carefree life that I had back when but I do wish I hadn't rushed through it.  I wish I had reveled in that era and known then what I do now.  Sometimes I wish I could write my past self a letter saying don't worry you will make it through,  don't date so and so because he's not good for you,  get up and go to class more often because you will miss it one day,  don't shed tears over how you look because you are beautiful just as you are, don't doubt yourself because you are going to make it and be just fine.  In my head I know that that letter I would write in some ways is still relevant today. 

It's Tuesday and I'm looking forward to Friday when we leave for Mississippi for a long weekend. I'm not saying that looking forward is a bad thing but I think there is something to be said about today.  Today I was a better version of me; I like who I am today and that is a good thing.  Tomorrow will come fast enough so I'm going to sit here with the radio playing, making a list of the things I need to accomplish this week and while the girls are sleeping I smile wildely because time, it's passing way too quickly.  Before I know it, in the blink of an eye it will be gone and this will be my past self....