80-86/365

I got a phone call this morning telling me that my biological father has passed away.  How do I feel?  I guess that would be the million dollar question...  I'm numb.  I am hurting and for some reason I'm scared. 

In life there are should have and could haves.  I should have made peace with my childhood and the part he played, I could have told him I forgave him but I did neither of those things. For some reason I always thought there would be more time.  Times up and school is out and I didn't resolve anything. 

I could console myself that I am not that scared little girl anymore and that my life is my own, I should remind myself that I am a wife and a mother with a great life that is free of abuse, fear, and all those other "things" that my childhood held. 

Am I going to the funeral?  Yes, I'm going.  Am I scared?  Yes, I'm scared.  I don't want my not going to be a regret I have later in life because no matter what he did or failed to do as a father (I have never considered him a father; my father was Papa Ben a GREAT man who did GREAT things who loved me for me) he was a person that deserved the basic human level of respect that I as a Christian should have the ability to give. 

I have cried, I have yelled in my head and now I have resolved myself that on Tuesday at ten a.m. I will be at John Larry Netherland's funeral.  I will hold my head high and when I become that scared little girl in my heart I will remind myself that he can't hurt me anymore... that's something at least.

Please pray for me and my family during this time.
Thank you,

Aimee

76-79/365

Lately I have been reading the book "I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids" by Ashworth & Noble. 

The book is about two moms on a mission to solve the mystery of balance and expectations that mothers have and feel they need to live up to.  IE:  The mother who buys the store bought cupcakes versus the one who slaves in the kitchen to make the fifty cupcakes for the school bake sale or the mother who is zen and is put together versus the other mom who is screaming at her kids to stop running in the house, or to clean up their mess or to just please not make a mess. 

This book resonates with me on a lot of levels.  I read the book and feel myself calming because it quotes mothers who state their feeling of not measuring up or having un-realistic expcetation of themselves or others or who seem lost or unable to figure out how to balance or even what balance is. 

That is me!  In January I made the New Years resolution to find balance in my life.  It is less than four months later and I don't even have a working definition of what balance is.  I seem to be on this teeter totter balance "contraption" where either I do way too much or not enough in this crazy place called my life.  I have been the mother who made the fifty cupcakes for my daughters birthday party and I have also been the screeching banshee standing in the living room screaming at my four year old to stop screaming.  (Sort of ironic huh?)

I have come to my own conclusion that there truly is not real definition of balance in this world.  There are conceivable notions of limits and there are realistic expectations in our culture but balance is a state of mind.  I am here to share with you that I in fact do not have balance in my life.  I also have to admit that most of the time though I desire balance I don't consistently strive for it.  Why?  Probably because the striving takes both time and energy that most days I simply do not have.

So in the morning when I get up I will resolve to do my morning yoga - eat a healthy(er) breakfast - put up the laundry that is piled up on the couch from last week - and be the best mother/wife/friend/daughter that I can possibly be.  Will I be a balanced mother this week?  Some moments I will be and most moments I won't and that my friends is o.k. for me right now.  I have come to the conclusion that balance is a journey that I probably won't ever reach but it isn't the destination that is so important but the journey along the way. 

Namaste

75/365

The sun is shining and it's warming up outside. I got up this morning to a smiling daughter, the girls were in a good mood, MOPS had an inspiring speaker in a phrase "there is nothing wrong", so why do I have a knot in my stomach.  I feel like the other shoe is going to drop and don't know why.  I'm thinking that if I write it out then maybe IT will go away.

For the past few weeks I have felt isolated from people.  I feel like I am in a room with a thousand people and yet in unequivocally alone. I'm going through the motions "faking it until I make it" trying relaxation techniques, yoga, visualizations, journaling but I feel like there is a dark ominous cloud hanging overhead. I know that people sometimes feel this way but I'm not "liking" it. 

I'm frustrated that the house isn't finished the contractor is "supposed" to return on Thursday (we will see), the arborist who is supposed to come take down the rotten tree in the back yard who was supposed to come Mon or Tuesday has not come.  I am frustrated with people saying that they are going to do things or be somewhere and not doing it.  I strive SO hard to do and be what I say I will do and be.  I try so hard to keep my word but it seems that others don't and it is making me angry.  I'm swallowing that anger and internalizing it and I know that this isn't a reason to get down in the dumps but it's not just this.  I don't know what it is really I just "feel" off.

73-74/365

I haven't been writing each day as I set out to do with this 365 day blogging project.  I have been trying to write as much as I can though to be honest I don't have a lot to say right now. 

Today I was thinking about friendships and how I wish I had a "good" friend that I spent time with outside of my family.  Someone that got me, who I could talk to on a regular basis, someone who didn't judge and then I thought "no, Aimee - what you are describing is a therapist".  I got a good laugh at my own expense but it was a laugh. 

Our world isn't perfect so therefore our lives aren't perfect and I get that.  I cognitively get the fact that our lives are only ours to a certain extent but there is a small part of me that wants to rebel.  I want to believe in happily ever after,  I want there to be perfect days and perfect nights, I want there to be a definite cure for cancer, and babies to not die and mothers/fathers to be their best all the time but life doesn't work that way.

So I guess all we can do is what we can do with what we have and make the best of it.  Why is it as I write those words I feel like I'm settling for something less than? I want more and I'm not sure what I want more of.  Tonight my soul is restless and my heart is heavy.  Tonight I would love to have that friend that I have all too often envisioned to come over and share a glass of wine with me and us talk about nothing or something.  I know I have a husband I can and do talk to but right now my hearts desire is a kindred "other" to share with...

71-72/365

Have you ever had it so good? 

I think about that question tonight and I smile.  I smile because my family is healthy, we have a good roof over our heads, we have our bills paid, our families are healthy **for the most part** and we are loved.  These aren't small things when you think about it.  These are the things that even Shakespere sonnetts didn't begin to touch on.  Sure Shakespere wrote about love, life, eternity, souls and all that but those were just words.  Tonight we are living the story called our lives. 

Next Saturday David and I will have been married for six years.  There were some who didn't think we would make it past our first year much less this far, but we have.  It hasn't been easy, we have gone through a lot in the past few years.  But tonight I sit here "sharing space" with my husband feeling good.  Sure, I have had more jobs than I should and changed careers  more times than I care to count.  We got caught up in "living the American dream"... we got married -- bought a house and had a baby in less than two years -- money went from tight to nonexisitent for a while - Allie Beth got sick (real sick) - my Papa got sick **I think he stayed as long as he did with us not because of his physical heart but his HEART that loved and lived for us** and I miss him every day there isn't a day that goes by that there isn't something I wouldn't love the opportunity to talk to him about, Mama had a heart attack **scared me beyond belief** but she is here and I'm cherishing every minute we have with her while we have her because life really is short and tomorrows aren't guaranteed, all we have is today, David lost his grandparents, we went from having a crazy purebred lab. to a psycho cat **which we still have, any takers?**, I totally checked out for almost a year **read the beginning of my blog back last August for details**, David and I fought - really fought but we stuck it out and found our way out that tunnel to a really good place in life and so on. 

I have come to the conclusion that life isn't a fairy tale it just has fairy tale moments that we have to cherish and hold onto, remembering when times are bad.  Are there going to be hard times in the future? Yep there will be but I'm not going to dwell on the what if's or the could have should have's.  I'm going to sit here with my glass of wine, go cuddle on the couch with my husband holding his hand while our daughter sleeps good sound sleep down the hall. 

Life IS good and that is GREAT.

68-70/365

I haven't written in a few days simply because I didn't have much to say. **Beware that this post is a little all over the place**

  All is right in my little world.  In some ways I look around and can't smile and the things that make me frown are not very important so why let them bother me... right? 

This week has been a roller-coaster ride.
Note to self: always get prescriptions filled BEFORE they run out.  Tuesday night I didn't have a medication that I usually take and found myself awake at 2:00 a.m. unable to go back to sleep.  I watched re-runs of America's Next Top Model **I'm not the biggest fan**, Private Practice and Nakiata. The next day I honestly didn't know if I was coming or going though by Wednesday afternoon I had caught my sixth or seventh wind.

Thursday was a lazy day at the house with the girls.  We did very little other than the necessary; me being still shaky and tired. 

But today... today was beautiful.  I only had Cecilia and Allie Beth to care for which made things simple to say the least.  We had a morning of cereal and cartoons -- dress up -- more cartoons -- coloring and playdough.  After all that I decided it was time to get out of the house for a bit -- on the way out I checked the mail to find a letter from the state saying we had more of a tax return than we expected from 486 to 803 almost DOUBLE and that has gotta make anyone smile. 

So to celebrate I took the girls to Chick-fil-a and then to Target where we bought a new movie and I bought a much needed and desired extra large flat iron that works on wet hair.  I have to admit I was skeptical at first but this thing really works - my hair is full of body and fantastic -- it's the first time I have LIKED my hair in a while!  SO... getting back home after our expedition late I decided to let the girls skip nap time and instead have quiet time watching their new movie "Anastasia" while I picked up the house and put out our Spring decorations. 

Once Cecilia left for the day and David came home we were off to a MOPS friend Lisa's to pick up a picnic/sand-box toy that I had bought from her.  We got home and had it put together in under five minutes; which if anyone knows David and I, that is a miracle as we are the most NONFUNCTIONAL people I know - I mean we can't even screw in light bulbs without something going wrong!  It was freaking awesome and I can't stop smiling about it.  We let Allie Beth play for a bit and then went to Sammy's Seafood for our Friday Fish (one cool thing about being Catholic is fish during lent every Friday) -- then off to Target AGAIN to buy two Adirondack chairs - they are great - comfortable - plastic and blue.  So once home we spent about an hour outside sitting in our chairs - having a drink - listening to music while Allie Beth played in her new sandbox. Today was a GREAT day and all was right with the world.  Tomorrow... who knows; but today was GREAT. 

67/365

So.... tonight was my third Zumba class.  I still feel like I have two left feet and that I'm moving like my body is stuck in quick sand but I am feeling the burn.  Yesterday I went to my first Yoga class in a long time **the last one I went to was the day before my wedding which was March 19th of 2005** My legs, back, abs, stomach, neck are very sore but I'm not quitting.  I'm finding the hardest part of this is cutting back my calories. It's hard being diabetic and cutting your food intake. I really hate the shaky queasy feeling I get when my blood sugar drops too low.  I'm doing my snacks and meals but the calories are still up there.  Maybe I should go back and see a dietician...

I am determined to do this - I am determined to not give up - I am determined to see results - I am determined.

The thing that is helping me the most with my food is to think about what a friend said about fast food and sugar.  Would you eat rat poison?  No, because it makes you sick and could kill you!  SO why would you eat fast food and sweets if it can do the same thing? I am choosing not to.  I want to have better health.  My favorite poem is "When I grow old I'll wear purple".  I WANT to grow old, I want to be mobile, take care of myself, be able to chase my grandchildren around the garden, sit on my own front/back patio and enjoy the sunsets and to be honest with the weight and health I am right now I probably wont.... that is a harsh reality.  I guess tonight was a night of introspection on my part.  I chose to do and be different for the benefit of ME. 

Tomorrow I will get up do my morning yoga - eat a sensible breakfast - play with the girls and then after they leave for the day get in my car and go to another Yoga class in the hopes that I AM making a difference and putting money in my proverbial old age good health piggy bank. 

66/365

Today I made a decision to not lose weight or go on another diet.  I have decided to embark on a journey to learn to become comfortable in my own skin.  Do I need to lose weight? Yes, for medical reasons I do need to lose weight.  Do I need to exercise and eat correctly?  Yes, everyone does.  I'm making a lifestyle change.  I'm choosing to do my best to be my best at my best daily.  I know that seems simple but for me it's going to take a lot of hard work, dedication and perseverance. 

I think back to when I got married when I was under 150 lbs, I was in a good size 12 and was crying every night over how big and akward I was.  Now I know that I didn't have a weight problem so much as I had a self image problem.  Where does it stem from?  I could say a bad childhood, or the models that we see airbrushed in magazines, or the commercials we see on television but the fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter where it comes from.  It matters what I'm going to chose to do about my personal view of my self image. 

When I look in the mirror I'm not in the least bit pleased with what or who I see.  I'm not comfortable in my own skin.  I need to lose weight.  I need to exercise more.  I need to eat better foods and make better food choices.  But, before or rather as I make these changes in my day to day life I need to LEARN to love myself in my skin.  I need to learn to not cringe when I see myself naked in the mirror.  As of right now every time I see myself I want to cry so my solution to date is to wear big hippy clothes, avoid mirrors at all costs and to perpetually have a camera in hand so that I'm taking the pictures and not in them. 

The fact of the matter is I don't want my daughter to grow up with my hang-ups.  So I have to find a solution.  My solution?  I joined a gym - I'm going to Yoga class twice a week and Zumba class twice a week - I'm doing my best to make better food choices (for me this means keeping GOOD foods in the house to eat) - I'm following a diet plan that is realistic and includes two snacks a day - I'm asking my friends to cheer me on (I do better when encouraged) - I'm giving up sugary confections of sweets and fast food for Lent in the hopes that these days of denial will force me to realize that I don't need them to begin with - I'm doing the best I can to be the best I can. 

So in the parting words of our Yoga class tonight. 
Namaste, meaning,"I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One."

65/365

I wish that I could say that I was too busy to blog yesterday but the truth is I was just too lazy.  Yesterday morning we got up around eight a.m. David's sister Kari and her two children Dylan and Maryn from Tx. spent the night after Saturdays parade.  I was surprised how calm everyone was. Yeah the play room was a mess for a bit but they actually cleaned up the entire thing themselves; I was astounded to say the least.

We were supposed to have brunch at my house but because David's parents and their house guests (Aunt Susan - Uncle Rocky - cousins Ashely and Scott) were still asleep we went over there to have brunch and do birthday cake.  It's hard to believe another year has passed and Mike David's dad is a year older; time really does seem to be flying by.  After birthday cake and quick farewells we went back to the house for naps (Allie and I anyway) David was watching his ESPN and loving the quiet time. 

I have to admit that I adore Sunday afternoons with no obligations it seems like more times than not we have a birthday party - church function of "something" to do that seems to cut our weekend just an inch shorter.  So, yesterday was a pleasant surprise. I got to watch my Lifetime Movie Network,  Allie got to play in the re-arranged playroom with her Mardi Gras loot and in the betweens we got laundry and household chores more or less finished. 

I found myself leisurely pursing magazines, calling Mama to check on her weekend, looking online at patio furniture with David etc... it was just plain nice! I can honestly say that Monday didn't come too soon. It came when it was supposed to and I was refreshed and ready to greet it head on. 

After some thought I have come to the conclusion that Mondays aren't bad it's Sundays that we let escape us without relishing them for what they are supposed to be that gets us!

64/365

 Today was a fantastic day.  This morning Allie Beth's Easter Dress from her Granna came in.  It came from The Wooden Soldier, a very special children's dress store.  We are so blessed that she has a Granna who can love and spoil her from time to time.  She is going to be the best dressed little girl on Easter Sunday.  When she put it on we had to bribe her to get it off again.  She is very much a little diva in the making.  I haven't figured out if that is a good or bad thing yet!

Today we went to the Mardi Gras Parade in Shreveport.  A dear friend of ours "staked out a spot" so that we were right there near the beginning.  Most of David's family (Aunt-Uncle-Cousins-Sister-Niece-Nephew-Mom and Dad) were there with us.  My friend Sandi grilled hot dogs and we all brought a side - there was plenty of friends/food and fellowship even if it was a bit on the cold side.  The above picture is of Allie Beth chasing down one of the vendors (overpriced junk) so that she could "see" Dora - he was nice enough to let my niece Maryn and Allie Beth take a picture with her. 

 A picture of my nephew Dylan - he was snug as a bug in a rug under the tent wrapped up on my favorite 31 blanket!

 This is Maryn my niece - she really looks like her mom!

 Sandi's son Chase was a sport letting Allie Beth ride on his shoulders almost the entire parade even at one point letting her wear his jacket.  She racked up on beads and toys.  I know she had a fantastic time!  She was a real charmer screaming "Throw Me Something Mister".  I don't think anyone could have resisted; every float that came by had something special to hand to us for her and her cousins.  I loved how family friendly it was.

 Davids sister Kari with her children Dylan and Maryn - they had so much fun.  As we speak the are all out like a light.  We came home to have read beans and rice and watch The Princess and The Frog - I thought that would be an appropriate way to end the night.  Everyone else thought so too! 
I know that I stressed a lot before they all got here but I am thoroughly enjoying every minute of it!

63/365

Today I cleaned and rearranged the house in preparation of our weekend house guests.  Davids sister and children are coming in for the Mardi Gras Parade and to visit, this happens to be the same weekend that his Aunt/Uncle and cousins are coming in to stay at his parents house (two blocks away).  I was SO anxious over the house being under construction (it was supposed to be done today... lets just say it will be done hopefully some time next week) **and they just pointed out OTHER things that need repair or replacement today**

UGH, now you can see where my anxiety was coming from.  I always feel so inferior when it comes to Kari and her family because David and I "just aren't" - we live in a 1980's house - we drive older cars - we do the best we can and sometimes it's enough, then sometimes it isn't. David isn't a CEO of anything and I'm not teaching but we are getting by and in this economy I guess that counts for a lot. 

Someone once told me we lived in a time of collecting/owning/acquiring.  In the 1950's there was no concept of self storage and now it is a billion dollar industry - you either ARE or you acquire.  Which one are we or which one do we WANT to be.... I guess that is a good question to ponder tonight.  I personally would rather BE than to acquire but I have to tell myself that daily and be reminded from time to time.  So the fact that my house is not the best on the block, my car isn't the most modern, my clothes aren't the most fashionable is OK with me tonight as I write this because I know WHO I am and am OK with WHO I am.... are you?

62/365

too much on my mind tonight - my anxiety is through the roof - my mind is screaming - I NEED a break!

60-61/365

Life is going good.  I have no complaints other than I wish I had a money tree I could pluck money from every once in a while...

The home repairs are mounting daily BUT I keep consoling myself that once it's done it's done.  If I had it to do all over again I think I would NOT have bought a house right after David and I got married.  I think we had this picture of progression in our head sort of like the GREAT American dream -- get new car (check) graduate from college (check) start a career (check) get engaged and then married (check) buy a house (check) have a child (check) but things come up in between those progressions... There is such a thing and the unexpected happening and in mine and Davids case that has happened a lot.  I wish someone had not just told us but shown us that we needed to save more for that rainy day, that the current state of our economy could and would really affect us on a personal level, that yes our daughter could and would get sick and other than paying the doctors bills and praying there wasn't much more we could do.  Sometimes life and what occurs really is in the hands of others and we have to just deal.  So tonight as I do all I can to crunch numbers, pay bills and not cry over spilt milk I will console myself with the thought that what is, is and what was, was.  Lessons learned for better or worse and tomorrow will be a new day. 

59/365

I just love my daughter, Allie Beth is such a treasure.  I love how she says I love you three thousand times a day and gives me kisses and hugs every time I turn around.  Today was a good day for trying new things.  We finally got Allie Beth out of her "food rut" and got her to eat pineapple AND grilled chicken tonight a huge triumph in the Neu household. 

We also have finally found a contractor to come fix the "kink and dinks" in the house everything from a broken water valve to termite damage and rot due to water damage.  In one single day he accomplished more than any other person has done in the entire time we have lived in this house.  The entire back porch has been dismantled AND taken away we now have a beautiful open patio that I can't wait to start planting around and decorating.  There is still some work to do on the awning and roof but it's already a huge improvement. 

I know that I have said it before but it really is the small successes in life that makes me happy.  I love that my husband called the dinner I cooked (grilled chicken, pasta salad and baked apples) Earthy,  I love that our home improvement project is improving daily,  I love that I made a new friend today and will start working for her on Saturdays soon (I am excited about being out in the public doing something social for a change, even if it is only one day a week),  I am loving life and loving living it.

Tomorrow is another adventure... Zumba; we shall see, we shall see :)

58/365

Have you said there is all to say to a loved one?  If their or your time on Earth was at an end would there be any regrets? 

I can honestly say that if I were to leave this Earth tomorrow that I have said all I needed to say to my husband and loved my daughter with all of my heart for all of the time given me.  I would only regret not being there for her most important days in life; I would miss her graduating, her going to college, her first love, her marriage, her having children, I would miss holding her though her first heart break, I would miss rejoicing with her over her first and greatest successes in life... I would MISS her and my husband but I would also know that they would know that my love transended time and that I loved them with all of my heart.

I know that this sounds morbid but I was thinking about regrets tonight.  I know that we all have regrets but in the culmination of things my greatest regrets would be not having the time needed to reconcile with my sister - there are so many things I would love to say to her if the time ever came the greatest of these is "to please if not forgive me then to at least pardon me for any real or perceived wrongs" - to tell her that I DO love her and I miss her dearly in my life... some roads once veered off of are so hard to ever walk down again...

I genuinely miss my sister and I wonder if we will ever get to a point of forgiveness on both parts but if we ever do I pray that I have the grace to accept the things I can not change and to change the things that I can - Serenity is such a small word but has such large implications don't you think?

55-57/365

So.... I'm not really sure what day I'm supposed to be on but since my friends is 57 I'm going w/ that number too! 

Today I learned a few life lessons.  I have to admit that yes I've learned them the hard way and ouch did it hurt.  If I could advise my daughter on some things it would be; never buy a house you can't keep well maintained because sometimes renting really is the better option, never depend solely on your college education because an ounce of common sense will get you far in life, and never say never.   Today David and I embarked on the journey of revival we are in the process of reviving this little cracker box house we call home and I have got to tell you we have a LONG way and painful road in front of us.  From the termite damage, water rot, broken water valve, black mold, and Lord knows what else we are taking it one bill and one step at a time.  Right now there is no light in sight but I will say that with each project that we accomplish with the help of our friendly neighborhood contractor we are learning more and more not only about home improvement but about ourselves.  We don't KNOW how to screw in a light bulb at this point but we are looking at each other hard in the mirror and realizing our shortcomings for what they are and moving forward.  It is past the point to blame each other, we have lived in this house for five years and only God knows how many more we will but if we want this place to stay our home we have to address the issues before they become any worse.  So tonight we bought a 200.00 dehumidifier to help pull water out of sheet rock and we now have a wording definition for black mold tomorrow we spray the walls w/ chemicals to kill the stuff and we more forward - at least we CAN move forward and as we got to bed tonight we STILL have a home.  Right?

54/365

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  Aren't we all insane to some extent?  I say yes, we are insane, in our own idiosyncrasy's of life.  Take my own actions for example; I go to bed on the same bed each night, waking in the same room each morning expecting life to be better more fulfilling than the day before.  Maybe expecting is the wrong word to use because I'm rather hoping more than anything.  What have I done to hope for a difference, hoping that when I turn on the news today I won't see or hear the same horrors and losses that are going in the world today as were yesterday?  I haven't done anything other than the simple act of prayer and eternal optimism.  Is that enough?  No, I guess not because when I turned on the television tonight I still heard the same horrible news that I always have, of a double homicide etc... why don't we rejoice and report more in the things that need to be rejoiced in more often - the birth of a child, the success of our neighbors, I know it sounds comical but I would love to hear on the news and tonight there was no murder, no home foreclosures, employment is up, national debt is lowered.  Call me the eternal optimist but tonight I will go to bed with the same prayers on my lips as the night before and tomorrow I will wake with the same insane hope that the world will be a better place.... I am certifiably insane and proud of it!

47-53/365

Wow!  It has been days since I have last posted a blog. Last week  I got sick with the flu and everything went to the way-side while I was down/out.  I'm back to my blogging and glad to report feeling much better.  What to say, what to write about, so many things to ponder.  Tonight I will just say... I'm glad to be back and looking forward to getting started again soon.  I have missed my meanderings if that is possible. 

46/365

I think these lyrics from "For A Dancer" says it all.

Keep a fire burning in your eye
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down
I don't remember losing track of you
You were always dancing in and out of view
I must have thought you'd always be around
Always keeping things real by playing the clown
Now you're nowhere to be found

I don't know what happens when people die
Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try
It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear
That I can't sing
I can't help listening
And I can't help feeling stupid standing 'round
Crying as they ease you down
'Cause I know that you'd rather we were dancing
Dancing our sorrow away
(Right on dancing)
No matter what fate chooses to play
(There's nothing you can do about it anyway)

Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone

Keep a fire for the human race
Let your prayers go drifting into space
You never know what will be coming down
Perhaps a better world is drawing near
And just as easily it could all disappear
Along with whatever meaning you might have found
Don't let the uncertainty turn you around
(The world keeps turning around and around)
Go on and make a joyful sound

Into a dancer you have grown
From a seed somebody else has thrown
Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own
And somewhere between the time you arrive
And the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive
But you'll never know

45/365

"You've never had it so good."  Have you ever been told this?  I think that this saying is relative to where we are in life today.  Relative, meaning that we really haven't had it so good as we have it today.  We spend so much time regretting the past or looking forward to tomorrow.  Looking forward to that next pay check, next vacation, next day off, next Friday of the week - sometimes I feel like we are rushing through life seldom enjoying the moment we are in. 

Don't get me wrong I live for Fridays and can't wait for vacations either but there is something to be said about mundane Mondays.  If every day was a party would that party be special?  I don't think that it would be.  I think back to my college years and remember the gauntlet of "events" that I participated in that at the time were not special or "no big thing".  Today going on a mission trip, having coffee with a friend, sitting for more than fifteen minutes uninterrupted watching my favorite Survivor episode, sitting outside for hours on end on a blanket reading, going to the gym to work out whenever the mood struck me; all of these things were day to day norms in my life at one time.  But today to do even one of those things would be a treat because I'm not just me anymore I am in essence plus one or even two!

I LOVE my life and wouldn't trade it for a day of that carefree life that I had back when but I do wish I hadn't rushed through it.  I wish I had reveled in that era and known then what I do now.  Sometimes I wish I could write my past self a letter saying don't worry you will make it through,  don't date so and so because he's not good for you,  get up and go to class more often because you will miss it one day,  don't shed tears over how you look because you are beautiful just as you are, don't doubt yourself because you are going to make it and be just fine.  In my head I know that that letter I would write in some ways is still relevant today. 

It's Tuesday and I'm looking forward to Friday when we leave for Mississippi for a long weekend. I'm not saying that looking forward is a bad thing but I think there is something to be said about today.  Today I was a better version of me; I like who I am today and that is a good thing.  Tomorrow will come fast enough so I'm going to sit here with the radio playing, making a list of the things I need to accomplish this week and while the girls are sleeping I smile wildely because time, it's passing way too quickly.  Before I know it, in the blink of an eye it will be gone and this will be my past self....